News In Briefs
© Ben Mellor, 2013
You don't know me, but I'll sign this off 'PM'.
Sorry for my anonymity, I hope we can be friends.
I'm a big admirer of your work, followed you for years,
In fact I was reading page 3 before most of my peers -
Sneaking a peek on my paper round, tripping over my tongue.
You were younger back then, if I'm honest, a bit more fun,
You talked about ambitions, interests, made saucy admissions,
But lately you seem to have, well, changed your position.
Your commentary's become increasingly conservative,
I guess I always thought you'd be a bit more alternative,
More affirmative, you know, a bit more progressive,
But most of your views I find to be frankly regressive;
Your obsession with free markets is, well, obsessive,
Your support for the war in Iraq was downright aggressive
And though your vital stats still are highly impressive
I can't concentrate - the weight of your opinions is oppressive.
Keep seeing Murdoch's face on yours, his saggy man tits
Or Rebekah poised to strike like a ginger praying mantis
And I know I should love you for your good as well as your bad bits
But it's like these bandits have brainwashed you at one of their banquets.
I want to vanquish that beast, save you from its jaws,
Cos that's it, I don't think these words are really yours;
Maybe you mistakenly signed up to the neo-con cause
And now the Newscorp dragon's contract's got you in its clause
Or maybe you do believe it, perhaps you're not exploited,
But then why don't left-wing models also get appointed?
I'd love to see 'Kelly, 23, thinks Putin's been beaten
By feminist punk band Pussy Riot, now he should release 'em.
She says, "They're doing 2 years in prison for no reason,
As Bakunin said, the freedom of all is essential to my freedom."'
But red-heads don't make red-tops, so if you won't recant your views
I suppose I'll have to do without a wank when reading news.
Yours, respectfully yet disappointedly,