Who’s Been Eating My Porridge?
from Vaudavillain
© Thick Richard, 2017

Who’s been eating my porridge?
Who’s rained on my parade?
Who’s pissed on my chips?
Who sunk my battleship?
Shit!
It’s Thick Richard
The worst thing since unsliced bread
Stop crying
Like I’ve just shot your dog and shagged your dad
I’ve just rearranged my room
So I have to get out the wrong side of bed
EVERY DAY!
I’m too tired to smile
So piss off you clown
Who’s been eating my porridge?

They say that when you’re in London
You’re never more than three feet away from a rat
Well when you’re in Manchester
You’re never more than three feet away from a dickhead
The world would be a much safer place to live in
If they just put common sense in the curriculum
The F word isn’t funny
It’s FUCK
Who’s been eating my porridge?

Life is like a box of chocolates
There’s usually a diagram on the inside of the lid
Indicating as to what’s what
So why don’t you just fuck off
And fuck off while you’re at it
Smell the cheese!
And pick the bones out of this one you cocksuckers

I look like Harry Potter
Jarvis Cocker
Sue Perkins
And your little brother
All rolled up into one little bitter ball of gobshite
So don’t tell me about it
I don’t wanna hear it
I’ve just lost all of my poetry spirit
Who’s been eating my porridge?

Angry young man?
I make Sid Vicious look like Sid Little
It’s like my grandma used to say
“If you haven’t got anything worth saying...